Frustration

First of all, I would like to apologise to those who check my blog regularly and have found there to be no new posts! I have been quite unwell over the past two weeks, but also quite busy and my blog has fallen to neglect! However, I am back now.

I feel as though frustration is a good title for this post as it is an emotion that is with me quite often. It’s an odd one.. It feels very strange to be frustrated. It’s like a combination of anger, despair, defeat, longing, disappointment and sadness all in one. You tend to feel like you are letting yourself down which can make you quite angry and sad, and you feel defeated and disappointed that self-improvement is not in your control. You can start to despair when your efforts are fruitless and then long for the day when you can finally start to feel and do better.

That’s how it feels for me anyway.

There are several things in my life that I feel frustrated about and they all stem from being ill. In itself it is frustrating because nothing seems to be making me feel any better. I have been vomiting for 2 weeks straight now, with on and off days for a few weeks prior to that. I had a gastric emptying study on Feb 15th which I am 99% sure showed I have gastroparesis, and yet the gastro team at my hospital have still not done anything! I have called twice now, finally getting somewhere (I thought) when the secretary put my results in the Dr’s tray and told me he would write or call. That was 5 days ago and still nothing. It has been almost 2 weeks since the examination and having lived with this awful vomiting for 2 and a half years now I NEED some answers!! (and medicine preferably!)

The above and also managing my CVID is something else that causes consequent frustration as it means I miss out on a lot of things – primarily my education! I frequently am too unwell to attend school which is so frustrating as I am doing my A levels and have aspirations to study Economics at Cambridge. At the moment we are discussing when is best for me to sit my maths As exams and how I can get extra support from the hospital for when I am absent for long periods of time (which is quite frequent). Due to the unpredictable nature of both of my health problems, I feel like I’m being so uncooperative when I say I’m not sure what is best or perhaps disagree with what they think is best, such as taking some of my maths I should take this year, next year. I’m not particularly keen on that idea as next year I will also have Economics and History as well as more maths anyway, and who’s to say I’m going to feel any better in myself next year anyway?

It is difficult to plan ahead when your health is so volatile and never know what could make you have an episode of vomiting or if you will catch an infection etc. Even planning three weekends ahead is difficult, let alone predicting how I will feel next year! It is impossible and so so frustrating!

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8 thoughts on “Frustration

  1. projectwords11 says:

    ….’I feel as though frustration is a good title for this post as it is an emotion that is with me quite often. It’s an odd one.. It feels very strange to be frustrated. It’s like a combination of anger, despair, defeat, longing, disappointment and sadness all in one. You tend to feel like you are letting yourself down which can make you quite angry and sad, and you feel defeated and disappointed that self-improvement is not in your control. You can start to despair when your efforts are fruitless and then long for the day when you can finally start to feel and do better…..’

    This is really well expressed, I can so relate! zebra hugs Anna

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Kieran Simkin says:

    Totally know the feeling – at one point while I was in hospital with at least a year of vomiting behind me and still no (correct) diagnosis or treatment, I had a typical teenage temper tantrum and stormed off the ward… one catch, I had a cannula in each arm. I disconnected the drip lines but the tubes were still in, so I was running down the street with fingers on each vein to stop the blood pouring out! If I’d had a moment to sit down and stop I would’ve removed them (I learned that if you have an irritating or painful cannula, and they’re being slow about removing it or simply won’t do so, it’s quite easy to do it yourself, and then they have no choice but to change it!) Unfortunately, the hospital was on a busy main road with nowhere to sit, and I had a nurse chasing me! Looking back now it’s quite a comic sight – I think I had a feeding tube up my nose at the time as well, and probably lit a cigarette (not allowed in the children’s hospital! – I was 15). To me, looking back, that’s quite a hilarious image, but to anyone on the street it must’ve looked like some kind of weird “lunatic escapes the asylum” type scenario πŸ˜‰

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  3. kieransimkin1slinkie says:

    Haha wait till you hear the story about the incident with the pre-endoscopy laxatives! Actually no… probably best I keep that one to myself – single most embarrassing moment of my life.

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  4. kieransimkin1slinkie says:

    Images are my thing πŸ˜‰ I’m a photographer. Can’t say I’ve ever photographed shit though! That’d be wrong, in so many ways – and possibly even illegal under new UK pornography laws!

    anyway… That’s why I was super-impressed that you took a selfie when you obviously weren’t feeling well. Normal selfies are such a superficial, irritating thing – “look at me, look how beautiful I am, look for much fun I’m having” etc. They all just serve to make everyone else feel like shit. Ego boosts for the person taking them, that’s all.
    To take an honest selfie, it’s a powerful tool – it makes a real statement – it’s saying “look at me, this is who I am, warts and all, either love me for the real me, or well.. fuck off.
    I wish people could learn to be honest about their strengths and weaknesses, I think we’d all live together much more happily as a result.

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  5. kieransimkin1slinkie says:

    It occurred to me that I should apologies if my expletives offend anyone – I think it’s part of my coping mechanism to deal with my own frustration at the world – feel free to replace them with asterisks or whatever symbol takes your fancy – may I suggest an interrobang β€½ (where’s the fun in being ordinary?)

    To elaborate on my story a little bit – I came out of hospital mostly cured at the age of about 16. My school career was a disaster, but with hindsight I consider that (in some respects) a good thing. It certainly never stopped me learning – in fact it broadened the subject matter which I would consume. Nor did it hurt my career potential – I’ve sat on several boards of directors and held more management positions than I’d shake a shotgun at. Confidence is what gets you on in the world – confidence, and being able to back it up by actually knowing what you’re talking about.

    Throughout most of my 20s it’s fair to say I was riddled with a weird kind of angst – “why me?” both in terms of “why did I have to suffer?” but also “why did I make it through?”. There was a definite period of soul-searching – I suppose the more middle-class of us would have gone to Thailand for a year and smoked some DMT. I just sat at home and smoked weed and magic mushrooms (much the same effect).

    Ultimately I came back to the same old cliche – live every day as if it could be your last, find beauty in the simplest of things. Enjoy what you’ve got, even if it’s a bit shit. How do you think people got through TOTP in the 90s?

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