First of all, I would like to apologise to those who check my blog regularly and have found there to be no new posts! I have been quite unwell over the past two weeks, but also quite busy and my blog has fallen to neglect! However, I am back now.
I feel as though frustration is a good title for this post as it is an emotion that is with me quite often. It’s an odd one.. It feels very strange to be frustrated. It’s like a combination of anger, despair, defeat, longing, disappointment and sadness all in one. You tend to feel like you are letting yourself down which can make you quite angry and sad, and you feel defeated and disappointed that self-improvement is not in your control. You can start to despair when your efforts are fruitless and then long for the day when you can finally start to feel and do better.
That’s how it feels for me anyway.
There are several things in my life that I feel frustrated about and they all stem from being ill. In itself it is frustrating because nothing seems to be making me feel any better. I have been vomiting for 2 weeks straight now, with on and off days for a few weeks prior to that. I had a gastric emptying study on Feb 15th which I am 99% sure showed I have gastroparesis, and yet the gastro team at my hospital have still not done anything! I have called twice now, finally getting somewhere (I thought) when the secretary put my results in the Dr’s tray and told me he would write or call. That was 5 days ago and still nothing. It has been almost 2 weeks since the examination and having lived with this awful vomiting for 2 and a half years now I NEED some answers!! (and medicine preferably!)
The above and also managing my CVID is something else that causes consequent frustration as it means I miss out on a lot of things – primarily my education! I frequently am too unwell to attend school which is so frustrating as I am doing my A levels and have aspirations to study Economics at Cambridge. At the moment we are discussing when is best for me to sit my maths As exams and how I can get extra support from the hospital for when I am absent for long periods of time (which is quite frequent). Due to the unpredictable nature of both of my health problems, I feel like I’m being so uncooperative when I say I’m not sure what is best or perhaps disagree with what they think is best, such as taking some of my maths I should take this year, next year. I’m not particularly keen on that idea as next year I will also have Economics and History as well as more maths anyway, and who’s to say I’m going to feel any better in myself next year anyway?
It is difficult to plan ahead when your health is so volatile and never know what could make you have an episode of vomiting or if you will catch an infection etc. Even planning three weekends ahead is difficult, let alone predicting how I will feel next year! It is impossible and so so frustrating!